Claire E. Parsons is a speaker, author and partner at a law firm in Cincinnati, United States. She is happily married with two children, aged 4 and 8. She describes herself, as many of us do, as “a recovering perfectionist”. Claire believes that stories can be used to turn pain into power by inspiring, motivating and connecting us with others. She also believes that the most important thing you, as a working mom, can do is to learn to be kind to yourself.
Claire was an associate at her firm and had only been practicing for three years, when she fell pregnant with her first child.
Claire was only twenty-eight years old and expected her pregnancy to be normal. Sadly, this was not to be. Half way through the pregnancy scans found that Claire’s daughter was below the weight she should have been. The baby was diagnosed with Inter-Uterine Growth Restriction (IUGR). To protect the baby, Claire was put on a reduced work schedule and was told to be off her feet as much as possible at home. The best case for her pregnancy was that she would reach 37 weeks, without weeks in Neonatal Intensive Care following birth.
Even though Claire was quite new at her firm, they were very supportive of her situation. Claire did everything she could to eat well and reduce her stress. However, her daughter did not grow well and Claire was put on bedrest at 34 weeks of pregnancy. A few weeks later, her baby was born healthy. But she was small and had a tongue tie, so Claire struggled to breastfeed her.
From the time her unborn baby was diagnosed with IUGR, through a difficult birth and the struggle to breastfeed, Claire blamed herself for the problems her daughter faced.
She continued to blame herself. Claire pulled away from friends and family and found it almost impossible to let go of the image of a the “perfect mother” that she had in her mind. The stress she was under caused her physical pain and resulted in emotional outbursts that impacted her new family. It was not until a lactation consultant pointed out to her that becoming a happy mother was the best thing she could do for her daughter, that she started to make some changes. She let go of perfect. She stopped trying to breast feed her tongue-tied baby and later started a meditation practice.
Claire used to struggle with neck pain and headaches and she found that they would usually abate or go away altogether after sitting in meditation for as little as ten minutes. Until then, she had not realized that her headaches were so tied to stress. As time went on, she started to see that her temper was not quite as quick and that she more frequently reacted to setbacks with strategy instead of outrage or anger. After a lot more time, she found herself doing a better job of noticing and properly respecting the feelings of her co-workers, friends and family.
Claire had to find a way to learn to deal with her stress, find her voice, get out of the cycle of overthinking and establish her circle. “Be kind to yourself” is some of the most difficult advice for a perfectionist to follow. However, Claire is a great example of how to turn pain into power.
Once Claire learned how to be kind to herself, her life improved and her practice excelled.
Claire realised she had let self-judgment run rampant. She recognized that she had unconsciously sought out and found a way to develop the thing she really needed to move forward in her life: self-compassion. Claire would not change a thing about her experience. She came to understand that her response to this difficult situation, which was filled with self-blame and judgment, ultimately caused her to learn one critical lesson: How to be kind to yourself.
This made her realize that her difficult first pregnancy was not a bad part of her life to try to avoid thinking about. Even though she made clear mistakes during that time, it wasn’t something to be ashamed of. Rather, it was her origin story. Like any comic book hero turning pain into heroics, she had turned her own dark time into light.
It is therefore quite fitting that Claire’s first daughter, whose gestation and delivery led to so much worry, is named Sophie, which means “wisdom.” She had selected that name hoping that she would be wise. Claire had never thought that, so early in her life, her daughter would make her wise.
Claire believes that her “biggest, most terrible mistakes” taught her the most.
Claire’s mistakes forced her to focus on the fundamentals so she could enjoy huge periods of growth later. She believes that women, in general, need to learn to prioritize themselves.
“Be kind to yourself’” she says, “Because when women thrive and are abundant, they have much to offer everyone else.”
Claire’s mom always used to say “If it ain’t fun don’t do it.” Claire used to shake her head and think she was silly. But she was right. Even if you have to do something not fun and, as Claire says, “trust me, lawyers have to”, you can bring a sense of joy and optimism to it that can change how you experience life.
When we make our own needs and desires (even sometimes the “frivolous” ones) a priority, we gain strength and energy and have more to give to others.